Category: Parenting

Below in the Reply box, please respond to the following questions:

• What parenting questions do you have?
• What one thing from the workshop could you begin to use right away and why?
• What did you learn regarding how what we, as parents, think, see and act effects our behavior?

Parents, never doubt or diminish your ability to influence your child or teen’s behavior and self-leadership through the power of parental iInfluence.  A child or teen, properly influenced, will develop the ability to not only to lead themselves, but to lead their peers as well.  However, parents, it starts with your leadership. And the leadership of the mentors which you allow into your child or teen’s life. They are important as well. When you find an effective teacher, coach, Sunday school teacher, or other mentors, establish a relationship with them. Partner with your child’s mentor to positively influence your son or daughter.

Parents here is some great parenting advice. Leadership is simply you positively influencing your son or daughter.  Let me give you an example of positive influencing. Each summer I work with a group of teens at a leadership camp in Oklahoma.  When the young men graduate the camp, they will have earned a saber with their name and favorite scripture engraved upon it.   I and my assistant camp commander, who we call Graybeard, teach them servant leadership. We also teach them how to drill and march with their saber.  It is all silent drill with no cadence called.  It is essentially one big team building evolution, as they not only learn a routine, but how to work with each other.

Graybeard and I, both tell and demonstrate what is expected. Then we allow the teens to do it themselves.  Without a doubt some, if not all, will say how frustrated they are. How they will never learn the routine. Graybeard and I are patient. We explain, demonstrate and have them do it over and over until a key segment of the routine clicks in their actions. And when it does, that is when things really get interesting. I stop them in their tracks and have them fall in in front of me. This is when my “I believed in you, even when you didn’t” speech starts. Loudly, I go up and down the line praising each and everyone for their part in making the particular section of the routine work. 

One by one I repeated what that individual said they could not do, but ended up doing well.  I told them how Graybeard and I always believed in them.  They only had to believe in themselves.  Then we ask them what they were waiting for? Get back out there and show us again why we are right to believe in you. It’s basically a very loud, personal praise fest where we positively wind them up and set them back to the task at hand.  And it works every time.  The teens will jog back to the parade field and repeat the routine. 

When mistakes are made, they are the ones to catch it, explain how to do it correctly, demonstrate the correct way to do it and try again.  They often praise and edify each other.  Graybeard and I find a comfortable chair to pass the time.  Eventually a teen will run up and want to show us how the team is doing.  By graduation day, the routine has come together and they contribute it all to myself and Graybeard.  We have to remind them we only showed the way. We led them through influence. Then they made the journey to success by influencing each other and leading themselves.

And it is important to take the time to identify the mentors in your child’s life and team up with them to influence your child or teen.  When I was a pre-teen, I had a wonderful mentor in a boy/teen Christian mentorship program called Royal Rangers.  Between my dad and my Royal Ranger leader, I could not get away with anything.  They exchanged verbal notes on me on a regular basis.  I was positively influenced coming and going.  I did not make it easy on either one of them.  I frustrated both of them many times.  Never-the-less, they never stopped being a positive influence and I eventually learned to led myself and others.

My father and my Royal Ranger leader established a very solid foundation for me.  And even with all the temptations and distractions of this world; I never strayed too far from the path of common sense. Even when I left home and joined the military.  And when I did find myself straying from the path, there was that strong lighthouse. The one my father and Royal Ranger commander had established a lighthouse upon a strong foundation. 

The light from that lighthouse was the memory of what they had taught me and of what they had lived out by personal example.  Today, I’m a Royal Ranger leader.  I explain, show and allow my boys and teens to lead. Then I, publicly, acknowledge excellence the moment (or not too long after).  I have adults who are amazed when they see a junior high pre-teen take charge of a group of elementary aged boys.  And that the boys actually obey and follow the pre-teen. Parents working with their child’s mentors is an important element in your child and teen pathway to becoming self-led.

Parents, single parents, guardians, grand parents, foster parents, etc. I want to challenge you today to set a new standard for yourselves. Use the power of parental iInfluence with your child..  Determine in your mind that you are going to be a daily positive influence on your child. Take the time and build the patience to explain how to do things.  Demonstrate what you want done and then have them do it. 

And when, they get it right let them know it.  They may not have put the dishes and pots away like you would.  But they are not you. The main point was it done.  Take the time to positively acknowledge all the things that went right.  Then work with them on what could be better and how you know they are going to get it right. How you are looking forward to when they get it just right. And parent, in the end, if you take a step back; the way they organized the dishes & pots and pans may actually be more efficient than your way.

When we speak or hear about leadership, many will immediately think of the work place, as well as various charity groups like: churches, civic organizations, youth organizations, etc. And while many of these places do practice leadership, there is another important area of our lives where leadership should be practiced, the family.  Some of the best parenting advice anyone could give you is on the importance of leadership development in the home.  Hopefully, by the end of this article you will know that anyone can learn to become a leader, that leadership is all about the process and that the time to learn and practice leadership is today, not tomorrow.

• The first piece of parenting advice is that everyone is capable of learning leadership skills and practicing those leadership skills. This includes your children. Granted a 5 year old would not have the same capacity level as a teenager, regarding leadership, but both can be taught the skills to be self-led.  In fact you want your 5, 6, 7…year old to begin taking steps to become self-led, but more on that later.  It is important to the child to see leadership modeled by the parent.  In other words, the parents actions and accompanying words, greatly influences what a child learns. Every child is like a sponge when it comes to learning. If the parent is living out leadership via their actions and words the child will soak it up. They will soak up the positive or negative influences seen and heard in your daily example at home. And because kids are learning sponges, they are going to soak up things which will effect their self image.  How they see themselves in this world. And if your child is not learning from you or you are not pouring leadership traits into them; then they will take their directions from someone else. And that someone else might not share your values. So take control over your child’s leadership development, with the knowledge they can be a self-led leader.

• The second piece of parenting advice is that, while leadership is a complex skill, learning leadership is all about the process, parents.  Meaning it will not happen overnight and you children are not going to be perfect at it. And to be clear, it is not a matter of “if” they will make mistakes & missteps, but rather when. John C. Maxwell said, “This is true for the development of any skill. really .. and it’s particularly true of leadership .. it’s a process .. it evolves .. you don’t read one book and become a great leader overnight. You don’t attend one training program and become a great leader overnight. It takes time and commitment and a certain investment in yourself to develop your leadership skills.”  Like, Rome, your child’s leadership won’t be built in a day. It will take years, so be patient.  And parents don’t overlook your own need for leadership development. Also, none of us can ever know everything, so personal leadership growth should be ongoing. After all, you are a primary example to each of your children. If you make the investment in yourself as a parent leader, you can pour out your leadership example into each one of your children. This will result in both parent and child enhancing their respective leadership skills. 

• The last piece of parenting advice is that the time to engage in developing leadership skills is today. In his book Today Matters, Maxwell says, “The only guarantee about tomorrow being better is if you do something today.” Therefore if you want to guarantee that your child’s leadership skills grow, along with those in your household, then you must start today. Again, leadership is a learnable complex skill that takes time to develop. And just because it takes time does not mean that you should take your time to begin starting the process. Tomorrow, next week, a year, 5 years are not guaranteed to any of us living today, so start now! Besides, that 5 year old will soon be 11 and then 18 years old, so get started now. And if you have a pre-teen or teen, don’t let their age stop you. They can still learn from you and be guided by you, even as you are developing your own personal leadership skills.

Again, I believe these three points are some of the best parenting advice regarding teaching your son or daughter to be self-led. There’s an old saying but it’s every bit as true today as it was when I was a kid, success occurs when preparation meets opportunity. Preparing  your child, in the home, to become self-led prepares them for life’s opportunities. Therefore put your processes in place now, so each child of yours, can embrace opportunity when it presents itself.  We all have the capacity to lead, but it takes a long, and consistent process to develop the complex skills needed for leadership. And it is a process we parents must initiate in the home and give children, pre-teens and teens the space to practice being self-led. And the space needed for recovery and growth from the inevitable errors and  missteps they will make. 

Parents, each one of us, as leaders in our home, has some level of expectation when it comes to one of our children, one of our teens.  Even if it is a negative expectation or no expectation whatsoever (which in itself is a negative expectation). What is your expectation for your children and/or your teens? Are they positive or are they negative.  Do your expectations arise from your personal desires or are they based on the gifts you see in your child or teen?  I wish to discuss the power of expectations, establishing an environment for high expectations through your own servant leadership in your home.

Parents one of the primary steps you can take to establish an environment, in your family, for high expectations is to exercise control over the words that your son or daughter hears from others. Like it or not, when you, I or anyone hears either a positive or negative description about us; it imprints a picture upon our mind about ourselves. John C. Maxwell, in his latest book “A Leader’s Greatest Return” says, “People often become what the most important influencers in their lives think and say they will become. If people you care about tell you how terrible you are, you’re going to have a difficult time rising up to a better life. If you’re told every day that you can’t lead, you probably won’t even try. But when people believe in you and communicate it repeatedly, you gain confidence and try harder.”

Many adults, even with all their life experiences, still have a difficult time with negative descriptions of themselves by others. Can you imagine what it is like for a child or teen, who does not have life experiences to fall back on? Thus you, I and every parent has to be careful as to the words used to describe our sons and daughters. And parents you have to be vigilant of what is said to your child outside your home.  Meaning you have to be observant of the negative descriptive words spoken to your child by a coach, teacher, or other adult leader.

If a child or teen is described often enough as stupid, worthless, ugly, etc., these negative words will imprint bleak pictures of themselves upon their minds. Likewise. a parent or mentor asking a child or teen why they can’t be more like (another student, brother, sister, cousin, etc.) Those bleak pictures often places a lid or boundary of low expectations and limits their personal development. It creates a negative image inside of them. They figure that if this is how they are seen by parents or those in authority, the negative image must be who they truly are.  As such, this negative image becomes a self for filling prophecy.  There is a technical term for this called the Pygmalion Effect.  The Pygmalion Effect is a phenomenon in which children, teens, and even adults increase or decrease their level of personal development depending on the level of expectation of others. As such, parents, teachers, mentors, etc. your expectations weld a great deal of influence over the level of performance of a child or teen.

So how do you as a parent build an environment of high expectations in your family?  You build it on a foundation of servant leadership in the home. J. A. Laub, describes servant leadership as, “Leadership which develops people by providing opportunities for learning and growth, modeling appropriate behavior, and by building up others through encouragement and affirmation.  So let us take a look at all three of Laub’s suggestions.

• Regarding the first point, parents you have to be the type of leader, in the home, that provides opportunities for learning and growth for each child.  Every child and teen are going to make mistakes.  They are going to fall short, but every mistake and shortfall is a teaching opportunity. And negative descriptors are counter productive to learning and personal growth.  We can firmly correct and discipline our children without name calling. After all, discipline comes from the word disciple which means to mentor or teach another. Ensure you get them to own their mistakes by asking them what went wrong, what did they learn from it, how should you fix this and what’s the best way to not repeat the mistake again?  And do not be so caught up in the mistake parents that you do not see the positives in a situation. For example, the teen may have made a poor choice, but their heart was in the right place. You want your child to act out of good motives of the heart and to be able to make the proper choice to do so when appropriate.
• Parents, you have to model the type of behavior you wish to see. Let each child know you hold yourself to a high standard by applying your unique gifts to be the best you can be every day.  Likewise you wish for them to apply their unique gifts to be the best they can be each day.  One time my dad raise his hand above his head and told me that he knew I had the ability to perform at this level. Then he would bring his hand down to his knee and tell me this is why he never lets me perform at this level. He told me I had too much going for me to ever allow me to get away with existing beneath what I was capable of.  Not what he, my father or anyone else was capable of, but what he knew I was uniquely capable of.  And because my dad modeled this, I now do the same with my children, as well as, the kids & teens I mentor and coach today.
• Lastly, you have to build your children up through encouragement and affirmation.  Now I’m not saying to have a praise fest  or throw a party each time your child does something.  However, when your child makes noticeable strides in the direction your guiding them towards, affirm them for it immediately whenever possible.  Then encourage them to do more of the same. Your words of affirmation and praise are going to be imprinted on your child’s self image.  In doing so you are providing your son or daughter the best opportunity for positive personal development in self-confidence, self-discipline, and wisdom.

Robert Greenleaf, father of modern servant-leadership, once ask these questions: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? Parents be the servant leaders of your family. And set high expectations by serving each and every child through words of affirmation, wise discipline, and modeling positive behavior for them. And to do so in such a fashion your child will develop a self image of being healthier, wiser, freer,  and more autonomous servant leaders.